so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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