If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Randomize
