So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
