I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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