Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
