I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
