if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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