There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
