Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
