im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
im having a threesome with these popsicles
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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