I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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