You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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