Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
