i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
