i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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