I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
