Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
