I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
