How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
