i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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