I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
