I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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