I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
