so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
they're like a gay fantastic four
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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