don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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