he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
