I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
