but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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