I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
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