thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
