11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
