Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
