we have officially lost it.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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