I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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