I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
