Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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