I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
