Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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