wrigley field is MILF paradise
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
