May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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