either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I checked into jail on foursquare
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize