I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
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