Please, let me fuck your mom
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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