If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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