I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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