Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
