one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
