I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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