i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
