never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
