I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
