Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
