I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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