The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
