she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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