Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
