It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
