Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
