Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
