Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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